Shabby Ranks gets all Noo Yoik on our limey asses as he rates this week’s new singles.

SOHO
Taio Cruz featuring Ke$ha/Dirty Picture
This one - from Brit-in-US success story and tedious interviewee Taio Cruz - starts off like a lonely R&Bster missing his wumman. Whenever he's not with her, it's so hard for him to see, he sings, tugging at the heart strings. So, quite reasonably, he asks for her to teks him a Dirty Picture. Then it goes all wompy, and there's a big Bassline-y, er, bassline. Then Ke$ha has a bit of an autotuned sing about how she likes all sex and that too. They are going to send each other pictures of their nobs and boobs and all that, so that worked out. Both of the stars involved in this song are grotesque phonies, and this song is disgusting. It is also, however, bloody great, and I am going to steal it off the internet and put it on my walkman.

MEAT PACKING DISTRICT/CENTRAL PERK/DOWNTOWN/WILLY-AMSBURG/LOWER EAST SIDE
The Dead Weather/Die By The Drop
Speaking of nobs and boobs and all that, I can't listen to anything Jack White does without the spectre of his trouser-redefining schlong filling my mind. Jack probably takes Gentleman Jack for granted now, and there's a danger of taking Jack for granted too, as everything he's done for such a long time has been so tremendous and rockin'. This, his new supergroup, is far better than his last supergroup, as it has more chicks, less good-times musicianship and a whole load of blistering balls. He's better with a girl around.

CHELSEA HOTEL
Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti/Round And Round
I don't know how to review this without referring to the fact that the YouTube link is a pencil drawing of a man and an alsatian kissing passionately. I now don't know whether my affection for the blue-eyed soul, blessed-out futurefied Elvis Costello single is genuine, or whether I am just covering up my excitement/trying to ignore my dismay at this dog-dating-disgusting dilemma. NSFW. Not safe for dogs kissing men. Not safe for reviewer objectivity. Not safe for bloody anything. Wait, the song's gone somewhere else now. I like it. Hound-spittle to one side.

HELL'S KITCHEN
Timbaland Featuring Justin Timberlake/Carry Out
Time was, I would have looked forward to Timbo and Timber dropping something new like I would have looked forward to a weekend break or a sunny picnic. Then they both got omnipresent in a good way. Then they got omnipresent in a boring way. Timbo stopped making head-spinners and started making bum-borers. Timber went from the next Michael Jackson to a producer of a steady stream of R&B slow jam parodies. Does this reverse the trend? No.

GROUND ZERO
The Big Pink/Tonight
Dunno how they get away with it. The Big Pink are a hotchpotch of elements of wilderness years Brit indie (88-92) - crappy sequenced drums, funky-but-not-actually-funky bass, double-tracked shouty indie vocals (for singers who can't sing) and some sub-sub-MBV layered guitars going through the effects pedal marked "epic". You're meant to be good to be on 4AD. Fuck off.